The Black Sheep of the family “is a member of a family or other group who is considered a disappointment, a disgrace, or a failure to the family or group.” ( https://grammarist.com)
If we start by understanding the history of black sheep, the narcissist-related depiction makes more sense. A black sheep:
- was an anomaly,
- considered not as valuable (because the wool could not be dyed),
- sometimes was viewed as a sign of the devil,
- stood out as an outsider,
- looks different,
- automatically associated with negative connotations, and
- was unwanted.
The Black Sheep of the family…
When considering Narcissism, the Black Sheep of the family is perceived in an incredibly similar manner. Typically, the child chosen to be the Black Sheep displays attributes or characteristics, physical or otherwise, unappealing to the Narcissist.
A Black Sheep will typically be one that looks different, has had accidents/injuries/disabilities/sicknesses, things just go wrong for them, they are the problem child, may not be naturally inclined to be book smart, etc. A Narcissist will value a person based on how they make the Narcissist shine. In the case of a Black Sheep, they are the embarrassment, the shame of the family.
Narcissists can’t allow anyone or anything to tarnish their “perfect” image…
In order to continue their dysfunctional functioning, a Narcissist has no choice in their mind but to exclude this member as the odd man out. They need to separate him out from the normal, perfect family they wish to display to the world so they mold the Black Sheep to believe that they ought to strive to be better in order to be loved.
The Black Sheep is taught to continue to return to the Narcissist begging through words and actions, they crave the Narcissist’s acceptance. The core of who he is has not been accepted, he feels unworthy. This feeds the Narcissist’s desire to be needed by someone. A Black Sheep mindset is riddled with insecurity, the lists above have been hammered home that he is different and unloved for who he is.
Narcissist triangulation plays a detrimental role here in that a Black Sheep wishes he could be like the Golden Child; the one the Black Sheep believes is truly loved by the Narcissist. The Golden Child is typically self-sufficient, considered “perfect”, and will also consistently side with and backup the Narcissist. The Scapegoat is already trained to take the faults of the family, as well as the faults of the Black Sheep, and provide an excuse as to why the Black Sheep is different.
Narcissists decide who they want to succeed in their family…
Oftentimes, you’ll hear him boxed into a definition and that is repeated continuously over his lifetime. For example, if a child does not meet developmental markers they will be identified as dumb. Excuses will be made, the child will be touted as “not as smart as the Golden Child”, the Scapegoat will be blamed for not reading enough to him, etc. To the point, sometimes, that graduation from high school doesn’t happen. This stunts the future possibilities of the Black Sheep, likely leaving them in low-paying jobs, and enhances the likelihood that they will cycle back to the Narcissist for approval and help.
The very person who created this identity crisis also fulfills the satisfaction that the Black Sheep needs in order to go back out into the world continuing the same patterns. The Narcissist doesn’t want this person to heal; they enable their behaviors in order for the Black Sheep to keep needing them.
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This also creates an atmosphere where the Black Sheep repeatedly attempts to prove himself worthy of love. All he wants is for the Narcissist to accept and love him, so he sets out to emulate the Golden Child, to be better in some way, to stand out in some area. Even if the Black Sheep can accomplish this, the Narcissist will reinforce that he is still not good enough in another way, so the striving continues.
Tailored cycles of abuse…
A Narcissist creates a specific cycle of abuse with the Black Sheep. As an adult, you will typically see the Black Sheep of the family make errors in judgment or morals while the Narcissist sits back to watch the drama unfold, all while claiming, “He’s an adult.” Once the production has settled down, then they will step in to rescue, enable their behaviors, deflect blame, and be their hero. Then the cycle will repeat, and repeat.
In Narcissistic families with three children, you will see each child labeled: Scapegoat, Golden Child, and Black Sheep. When there are less children, the Scapegoat and Black Sheep are usually the same child. When there are more than three, then roles are duplicated. Keep in mind, these roles can also switch depending on life situations and what fits the Narcissist’s agenda.
Perception can be your downfall…
Perception, while it should be ignored, is oftentimes a determining factor of what most people live up to. If we perceive ourselves as failures, we will likely not amount to much. God does not create failures. Can people fail? Yes. Can they fail multiple times? Yes. Does that impart we are failures? No.
It doesn’t have to be this way…
If you have lived your life under this presupposition, I encourage you to dig deep into your Bible to see what God is calling us to, as image-bearers of Him in this world. Our time on earth is short, so look to Him to define yourself, not how someone else defines you.
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Truly, we are fearfully and wonderfully made. It’s always fascinating to explore all the influences God employs to make us who we become, and there is nothing that goes to waste. Redemption is everywhere!
Back again! Good to review this biblical content.