Scapegoat Spouse – Dealing with Narcissists in the Family

“I think I married the Golden Child.” – The Scapegoat Spouse has a unique role when dealing with Narcissists in the family. If you’ve ever heard the ol’ mother-in-law jokes, these are where they stem from. Not that they’re okay, but they do stem from these situations.

The Golden Child marriage…

A Golden Child’s marriage can be touted to the world as the one to uphold. Lifted up, their marriage sits on a pedestal for all to view with jealousy, they are:

• lifted up to a height of perfection as a team,
• the ones that no one worries about a divorce,
• always working together so well,
• overly quick to forgive each other,
• a likable couple,
• both always enjoying each other’s company,
• etc.

In reality, their secrets are well hidden behind closed doors that they dare not expose to anyone.

Notice though, it’s the Golden Child’s marriage and they are uplifted together. When the Golden Child’s spouse is praised, the purpose is to support the illusion of the perfect marriage.

A Narcissist does not know how to truly love someone for who they are. It is a self-serving type of affection granted when they are receiving a benefit from someone. For example, with a Narcissist obsessed with sexuality, “love” is offered when the recipient praises or uplifts their sexuality. If they don’t, then love is withheld or held out as a carrot until they comply. The same mindset carries through to a Golden Child as they are trained to think in the same way as a Narcissist.

It can’t be the Golden Child’s fault…

How does a Narcissist deal with a Golden Child who may have stood up for herself? Oh that’s right, it’s her husband’s fault. This is where the Scapegoat Spouse fits in when dealing with Narcissists in a family. Just like the Scapegoat’s role, the Scapegoat Spouse plays the same role within their marriage to the Golden Child.

Play it through, if a Narcissist can do no wrong, they blame the Scapegoat. They have already assigned the role of “perfect child” to their Golden Child, the next generation Narcissist. Obviously, no one is perfect, and the Golden Child will have flaws and sins that will come to light eventually. The Narcissist needs to find a scapegoat to assign the blame so the perfect child won’t be at fault and destroy their disillusionment so they assign the blame to the spouse.

An interesting aspect of a Scapegoat Spouse is their loyalty. A Narcissist will try to surround themselves with loyal people. Usually a Golden Child’s spouse will not be chosen without input from the Narcissist, and is typically loyal for one reason or another (personality type, guilt, etc.). If no input is received prior, then a lifetime of conditioning will lead the Golden Child to a marriage emulating the parents. The Scapegoat Spouse is chosen for a reason.

Leaving and cleaving, a Biblical concept, will be highly challenged in a Golden Child’s marriage. For example, a covert Narcissist, will make slights against the Scapegoat Spouse to the Golden Child. Often, you will find a Narcissist subtly or directly telling the Golden Child they are the only person that will always be there for them. Predominately through subtle messages, their spouse:

• might leave them or cheat on them,
• will not be as loyal as the Narcissist will (or the Narcissist family as a whole),
• does not have their best interest at heart,
• etc.

This even descends so low as to insult the Scapegoat Spouse on mundane things.

“Your wife gained a lot of weight in that pregnancy.” “She let your daughter out of the house wearing that mismatched outfit?!“ “She doesn’t keep a clean house.” “I think she needs help with general household duties.” “Your daughter has a smudge of dirt on her face your wife isn’t washing off.”

This all is just to hammer home the point that the Golden Child should know they can always do better. Breaking it down, it is to inform the Golden Child that their spouse is not as good as the Narcissist. The Golden Child should desire a spouse as good as the Narcissist.

Divided loyalty can end a marriage…

There is great danger in a Golden Child’s marriage for division and loyalty to another to crop up. In the case of a Narcissistic mother and a Golden Child son, enmeshment and jealousy play a huge factor in the involvement of the Narcissist in her son’s marriage. A lot of these marriages have broken up as the Golden Child’s loyalty has not transferred to his wife. The Golden Child needs to stand up for his spouse first and foremost. He needs to stop his Narcissistic mother from taking control and allowing her to reign over their lives through:

• enmeshment,
• insertion,
• control,
• jabs,
• insults,
• division,
• etc.

If you find you are the Scapegoat Spouse when dealing with Narcissists in the family, my best advice is to dig into the Word. Start a Bible read-through plan, dig deep to discover what God’s love means and how He displays it. Understand and base your worth and value in Him, and Him alone.

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