In Depth: The Golden Child Meaning

She looked at her husband dumbfounded, he had requested she read the golden child meaning, a list of characteristics. Reservedly, she could barely whisper, “This just described me to my core. How did you do that?”

While there are some differences within Narcissistic families (covert, overt, histrionic, physical/sexual/emotional abuses, anger/yelling, etc.), the Narcissist has become the family director in very similar dramas. The cast has been assigned and is being trained from birth to fit their role. The stage hands have taken their place to uplift the director and enforce the actor roles.

Narcissism boils down to the masks that the actors wear, to play their part. No one understands that mask as much as a Golden Child who has seen the light and escaped the pull of the Narcissist.

Think how encouraging it can be when you take a personality test or Enneagram to find out the definition portrays you to a T. It is oddly comforting and reassuring that someone “gets” who you are. But just as that may be who you are defined as, don’t let that hold you back. Also true, the Golden Child meaning, can define you temporarily, but you do not have to live under the definition as a slave. You can take the knowledge and break free, it is possible. Excruciatingly hard, emotionally exhausting, time-consuming, yet, possible!

What isn't fully realized from the outside, is that the Golden Child pedestal is made with bricks of insults and cemented in place by abuse. Click To Tweet

The brief synopsis in this blog post provides a generic overview of the different roles in the play the Narcissist is directing. But keep in mind, while the Golden Child is typically bred to be the next generation Narcissist, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will happen. Will fleas jump off from a dog? Similarly, some traits will be stick to you but there is a choice to actively work to rid them from your life.

One therapist I know of describes Narcissism as a sliding scale of behaviors… Golden Children are on that same scale. Whether they have a few traits or many, the goal is to swing them back all the way so they have as few natural tendencies of traits as possible.

To give a better understand of the Golden Child meaning I’ll take you through some common traits of the Golden Child.

If this describes you or someone you know, please seek help from a Biblical counselor/therapist/psychologist who is trained specifically to deal with personality disorders.

• An uplifted ego. An inflated sense of self, possibly to the same level as the Narcissist. They have been so idealized by the Narcissist they eventually believe it themselves.

• Jealousy runs rampant. There is an expectation that others are immensely jealous of them it is a mindset that ties hand-in-hand with the uplifted ego. “Everyone wants to be like me, wishes they were like me, wishes they looked like me, is bummed they can’t be me.”

• Possibly, an enabling spouse. Typically co-dependent with an ego about how great their husband is. They enjoy being tied to such a success and heroic superstar. They secretly like that their spouse is the favored one.

• Thinking they can do no wrong. In the play of their life, nothing the Golden Child has done wrong has been held against them. They do not understand failure, that they can possibly fail.

• Blame game. There is always someone, something, or some situation to blame for their mistakes, sins, etc.

• Sibling relationships. Siblings are not allowed to criticize the Golden Child. The Golden Child will tend to accept the obvious favoritism just to “go with the flow” and keep peace since their siblings are not allowed to voice their true thoughts. By stifling these emotions, it encourages the favoritism mindset, bolsters the triangulation within the family, keeps drama present, and lifts the pedestal higher. The Narcissist will also sometimes withhold discipline or undesirable responsibilities such as chores from one child in the family (saving that for the ‘bad’ child). The Narcissist will routinely speak more positively to one child or about one child above the rest of their children to ensure everyone knows the roles they are to play, remembering and revisiting those truths is paramount to the Narcissist continuing their game. A lot of times, adult Golden Children feel the need to prove their value of that favoritism, and they become over-achievers,and workaholics.

• Infantilization. Since enmeshment is so strong in Narcissistic families, the children are typically treated in childlike manners. In “Christian” Narcissist families, this can often play out with fear, obligation, and guilt over their twisted version of the Biblical concept of honoring parents. It is a way to humiliate a child, grown or not, to look to the Narcissist for guidance and help. Adult Golden Children will typically get these responses from the Narcissist parent:
  • being reprimanded if they don’t obey the Narcissist’s desires,
  • the Narcissist questioning their choices,
  • the Narcissist being shocked and mock hurt that a decision was made without their input,
  • trying to influence their thoughts about dating/their spouse/their marriage through subtle insults and even to the point of deliberate sabotage (someone I know was paid by their Narcissistic parent to not marry their fiancee),
  • involving themselves in parenting decisions,
  • taking their children for a couple hours without prior approval,
  • second-guessing and inserting themselves into arguments,
  • expecting complete submission,
  • doing everything for their child because they can’t do it well enough,
  • making the Golden Child feel inadequate or inferior to them,
  • silent disapproval through looks/sighs/etc.,
  • etc.

• Parentification. “[T]he process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent or sibling. In extreme cases, the child is used to fill the void of the alienating parent’s emotional life.” (Wikipedia)

• Surrogate Spouse. This is especially common when the Narcissistic parent has a workaholic spouse or one who travels for work; the extremely lonely Narcissist replaces the spouse with the Golden Child to offset the feeling of abandonment. The surrogate spouse is left as the emotional caretaker of the Narcissist since the enabler is not present (emotionally or physically). The extreme neediness growing up in this type of family even can come out as a form of jealousy when a Golden Child wants to go hang out with friends or go out and do something leaving the Narcissist alone, this commonly leads to the Narcissist acting offended and hurt with the intent to establish guilt and cementing in that the Golden Child is the ultimate attention and emotional support system capable of ‘controlling’ the behaviors and moods of the Narcissist parent. The extreme neediness when the Narcissist and Golden Child are opposite genders typically result in jealous feelings toward the Golden Child’s spouse who is taking the Golden Child’s attention from the Narcissist–so much so, that the ‘mother-in-law’ horror stories can be a very true occurrence as Narcissistic mother-in-laws will sometimes go to great lengths to break up marriages, under the guise of course, that it is because they love their child so much and want what’s best for them.

• Responsibility for the Narcissist lies within the Golden Child’s abilities. Oftentimes a Narcissist has a keen understanding of when to cry wolf. They typically have mastered the timing of crying, when to feign ignorance, or even when to threaten to kill themselves; thus leaving the Golden Child to develop personal responsibility for pleasing/keeping peace/helping them alive.

• Required future responsibilities. The Golden Child develops into the caretaker role of the Narcissist’s emotions, to the point that it becomes expected, perhaps unspoken, that aging parents will eventually live with the Golden Child and be taken care of by them (and their spouse) for the rest of their lives.

• Display of pride. It is common for the Golden Child to be touted to others as the pride of the family. “Look what she’s done, isn’t she amazing, no one else could accomplish this.” This develops to the point when the Golden Child is no longer a person but is valued on the same level as an inanimate object only worth the pride the Narcissist can display them for. “What a great project my parents had created and showcased me as,” says one Golden Child.

• Smile, someone is watching. As the emotional regulator of all, the Golden Child is tasked with the smiling mask. Smile, even if you’re sad. Smile, even though that person just stole from you. SMILE. One Golden Child says “if i was happy, and my mom wasn’t, I’d dampen down my feelings to make my happiness level at or below hers. I didn’t have the right to be happy if she wasn’t.”

• Peacekeeper. Controlling others’ emotions is the job of the ultimate Peacekeeper, the Golden Child. They have been trained to read others and gauge situations to determine how they should act and what they should say. The Golden Child is not a Peacemaker like Jesus, rather almost the opposite. The Golden Child will try to absorb personalities and morph into different identities depending on who is around them in order to control the situation or person. The Golden Child will think they can control people through their words and actions. If a Golden Child attempts to separate from the Narcissist, they initially feel they have a power over the Narcissist and can talk to them “just one more time” to get them to understand and change, or approach it with a mindset that “I was their favorite, surely they’ll listen to me.” When obedience, duty and submission to a Narcissist’s control is an essential fact of surviving, it is also why a Narcissist fabricates that the Golden Child is suddenly disrespectful when they challenge their sins/actions/language/etc. It is also typical to twist the Bible for Narcissists by claiming that any act against direct submission entitles them to claim their children have been “lost to sin”.

• Successful. Not only can this be a financially successful Golden Child, but all acts of success by the Narcissist’s standards will be touted as the pride and joy. The successes are celebrated and failures are airbrushed away. The Narcissist lives vicariously through their Golden Child and typically exhibit to all that the Golden Child should be treated as better than those around him, sometimes even that they have a special destiny. The Golden Child’s identity isn’t allowed to form as it should, the child is simply pushed to see himself as a superstar, to achieve power–if power and status is not achieved, it is the fault of those who did not abide by the Narcissist’s delusions of grandeur (bosses, co-workers, coaches, etc.). Says one Golden Child, “My mother needed me to be special, and would always tell me she had me ‘because she was told to,’ in a dream, that I was meant for something important.”
  • This can even be limited to looks; I remember driving in a car with a Mom and her (around 7-year old) daughter telling her that “thank goodness we aren’t fat like that lady on the bike”, you can believe that those who were deemed ugly or fat were ridiculed and insulted in that family. One Golden Child in a similar family says she had to be slimmer, better, nicer, and smarter than everyone she knew.

• Extension. Through the Golden Child, Narcissists seek to experience accomplishments, to punish enemies, to live vicariously, etc. Golden Children can be manipulatively groomed to be incredibly vain and selfish for the parents’ own purpose, which is usually an extension of the parent’s ego through the child, the Golden Child becomes merely an extension of the Narcissist with no real identity or personal boundaries of their own. If something is important to a Narcissist, it ought to be important to the Golden Child as well. For example, one Narcissist would offer friends the free services through her Golden Child’s business, it was shocking to the Narcissist when he actually said ‘No’ as he had to earn a living.  After all, if the Narcissist’s son had a business, it meant they had full access and control over how it should be run and who should benefit from it.

• Faults, what faults?! If faults or sins of the Golden Child do come to light, the Narcissist has a vast arsenal of weaponry to attribute the blame to the scapegoat, the spouse, or anyone else that might fall in their path. Faults and frailties are either quickly acknowledged and ‘forgiven’ (by not devoting time to consider the effects makes it easier to spin it) (also outsiders see the quickness to ‘forgive’ as a Biblical gift of the Narcissist, not realizing it is actually rugsweeping), -or- denied, glossed over, swept under the rug, blamed on someone else, or the story has been changed. The Golden Children appear to all as above reproach—adored and always excused.

• Lack of Identity. When someone is trained from birth to do anything and everything asked by a Narcissist, to obey them implicitly and without question, they are being deprived of their personal identity. Their wants are not expressed or validated, because their wants have to be what the Narcissist wants. Golden Children are told they are not perfect unless they become the perfect version of the Narcissist, all while the Narcissist is projecting their idealizations, missed dreams, and engulfing their identity as their own. This brings about a fear of being disliked, and ultimately a fear of failure; these fears also drive them to stay under the influence of the Narcissist as it gives them a sense of purpose, identity, and worth. They would lose what little identity they have should they leave and they might have to accept the possibility that they might not be perfect without the constant reassurance from the Narcissist. It is sad because it hinders the Golden Child from truly connecting with another person.

• Conditional love. This is probably the saddest trait that will carry through with all future relationships the Golden Child has, even their spouse. While it may look like a Narcissist is showering a Golden Child with love and approval it is still made clear that the rug can be ripped out from under them at any moment; their position is precarious and dependent on jumping through hoops like a trained puppet. They are taught that love is conditional, so long as X happens, they will receive “love”. When this enters into a marriage, it can be detrimental as the Golden Child’s spouse learns that they need to perform X in order to receive approval.

• Comparative mindset. Golden Children live their life holding a magnifying glass to those around them. They are either overt or covert in their assessments of others, trying to determine the ways in which they are superior to them in some (or many) ways. They are overly competitive (even though this can be in secret through thoughts alone), not happy for others successes because they take it as a personal affront, enjoy it when others fail, denigrating toward others who seem successful, disapprove of people who might be barriers to what they want. “Why was it okay for other people to be less smart or accomplished? The terrifying answer was ‘so I can feel less worthless when they accomplish less than me’.”

• Perfection standard. The pedestal instills a desired projection of perfection. It is the Golden Child’s job to portray perfection to the world. There is a heavy burden the Golden Child carries to convey to the world that their family is perfect. 

• Masks. A mask is designed to hide the true identity of the one wearing it. Every member of the Narcissist’s family wear their assigned masks, but the Golden Child becomes the primary mask wearer in the family, second only to the Narcissist themself. They live their life in a fake world created only by the distorted reality that the Narcissist can comprehend. It is a bubble that the Narcissist is scared will burst if the masks come off. There is great lengths gone to within the family to ensure no one removes their mask.

• Grooming/Lack of Boundaries. **WARNING: This section may contain triggers. I’m sorry for the graphic nature, but for some Golden Children this is what ‘normal’ was for them. It can be helpful to see this list objectively to understand the seriousness.** There is a severe lack of boundaries in most typical Narcissistic families. When you are taught to offer complete submission to the Narcissist, the ‘normal’ you are raised with naturally goes without question. But in some families this can be wildly past normal, bordering on grooming and lack of boundaries and sometimes carrying through all the way to sexual abuse. These can hit a broad range, but here are some:
  • encouraged to talk about sexual things in public (bra sizes, problems in the bedroom, funny bedroom stories, etc.) to normalize it,
  • a parent being in the bathroom as their adult child (opposite gender) is taking a shower with a see-through-enough glass shower door (or a daughter old enough to understand being encouraged to be in the bathroom),
  • a father/daughter showering together when daughter is at an age/height of … awkwardness,
  • older children taking baths together,
  • parents talking about private parts with kids,
  • parents joking about their sex life with their kids’ friends,
  • dominating conversations in groups about events that happen in the bedroom,
  • taking inappropriate and/or pornographic pictures of their children,
  • no privacy,
  • parents purposefully walking in on kids while changing,
  • being dressed inappropriately or naked in front of kids (even into their adulthood),
  • sleeping naked with children in the same bed,
  • sharing intimate details about kids’ spousal relations with their other kids,
  • encouraging through physical touch (to impress upon a child that touch equals acceptance),
  • talking about inappropriate relations, terms, and specific details of personal preferences and private parts in front of young children,
  • walking in front of windows dressed inappropriately,
  • etc.

• Emotionally stunted. A Golden child often enters adulthood emotionally stunted, though they don’t realize it themselves. A Narcissist will train others to feel the emotions for them so they can remained detached–this mindset eventually transfers to the Golden Child leading them to detach from their emotions.
  • They have grown up in an environment where their feelings are invalidated,
  • the Narcissist plays the victim when something doesn’t go their way, so they learn to adapt a situation so they will always have the upper hand over someone,
  • sometimes can’t get angry because they can’t attach to that feeling,
  • dismissive with feelings (even to the point of mocking those in therapy, or the counselors themselves),
  • sometimes struggle to mature and form healthy peer relationships,
  • doted on by overbearing parent limits their ability to leave and cleave with their spouse,
  • immediately trusting everybody or every organization who offers validation.

• Isolation and Loneliness. It is hard to be at the top of a pedestal when everyone is so far below you (this is not meant to be sarcastic). The Golden Child is alone in their role at the top. They have been crippled from sharing honestly with anyone for fear they won’t be accepted for who they really are. Alas, the mask stays on. It is a sad isolation from spouses, kids, siblings, and everyone else they come in contact with. They feel they are not seen and accepted for self, so they maintain the illusion of the Golden Child.

• Projection. The Golden Child cannot do wrong which is a projection that a Narcissist feels they can do no wrong. When a Narcissist or Golden Child perceives they have erred, they work tirelessly to find someone for whom they can project that error onto as that person’s fault. For example, a man cheats on his wife multiple times and ends up divorced; in turn, he cusses out his brother’s wife repeatedly and tells him he should divorce her so they can heal together (even when there is absolutely no basis for his flagrant hatred of her).

• Hero mindset. There is a lot of pressure on the Golden Child to keep up appearances and be the family hero, they have been encouraged to be the savior of the family. The one that represents the family pride. The others may be to blame, have made wrong choices, but the Golden Child is praised for their heroic nature.

• Gifts. Gifts are commonly used as a physical manipulation tactic, along with money (loaned or gifted) and inheritances. “I gave you that money out of the kindness of my heart, now I expect ….” “I can always change my Will you know….” “The understanding we had was I give you a deal on that house, but it’s really mine and you can’t change it to suit you.” “Since you said no, I’m going to spend your inheritance.”

• Other miscellaneous traits. Clairvoyance, entitlement, false guilt, charm, conceit, pretentious, controlling, etc.

You aren’t a child, you are a project and exist to do a job.

As stated by a prior Golden Child, it is possibly the best existence possible in a Narcissistic family, until reality sets in. It’s true, in the formative years, when evaluating the entire Narcissistic family structure, the Golden Child probably has it easier, but they will develop emotionally slower and have to work much harder to work through the abuse and trauma. It is also statistically way less likely that a Golden Child will escape whereas Scapegoats have a greater chance at healing.

Also troubling, is that Golden Children can typically be the ones set up for a mid-life crisis: they wake up in a beautiful house, where you keep your gorgeous car, look around at your beautiful family, think about your high-powered job, and wonder, “Who am I? What is all this for?” For Golden Children who know something is wrong, it is also typical for them to join the military or firefighting to physically escape but maintain the public persona of hero status.

Now that you have read the Golden Child meaning, if you know a Golden Child, or someone married to one, please remember to pray for them as there is likely a disruption in their marital unity (or relationships with others) unless the past has been addressed and they have worked toward not carrying on Narcissism to the next generation.

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