Narcissistic Abuse and Triangulation – 1 of the Narcissist’s worst weapons

Narcissistic Abuse and Triangulation – 1 of the Narcissist’s worst weapons

Narcissistic abuse often comes through in triangulation, and it wreaks havoc among relationships. Consider the following exchange:

Andy to Bob, “Are you going to Cindy’s house for dinner?” … “Oh, you had other plans already, makes sense.”

Andy to Cindy, “Can you believe the reason Bob told me he wasn’t coming tonight? He actually made plans so he wouldn’t have to come to your place. I can’t imagine how frustrating that must be for you.”

Andy to Bob again, “She was so angry you didn’t come, seriously heated, man. I’m not sure what you’ll do now. Let me know if I can do anything.”

Cindy and Bob are now at odds and when they originally had no reason to be.

Triangulation is a form of Narcissistic abuse used in gossip and meant to drive wedges in common relationships. In turn, this feeds the Narcissist’s desire for what is called Narcissistic Supply, it is what keeps them going. It is clearly defined as follows:

A narcissist’s insatiable need to gain the attention and adoration of others for the purpose of building them up and confirming their false sense of superiority and entitlement.

Suzanna Quintana

Feeding the Narc Supply…

A Narcissist is talented at feeding emotions to other people, almost an invitation saying it’s okay to be really frustrated/disappointed/etc. at that other person; then they back it up with a call home type of option where they offer to be there emotionally or to support them.

We can see it clearly from the outside, the ultimate purpose behind it, the goal of narcissistic triangulation, is for everyone to come back to the Narcissist for more, to feed their need for Narcissistic Supply so they can continue their Narcissistic abuse.

The Narcissist deeply desires people to seek him out for more information, more acceptance, more gossip, more ammo, more caring, etc. all while the other two parties are not just communicating directly to each other. The source of their information about the other person comes directly from the Narcissist.

The web of deceit…

A common analogy among psychologists, therapists, and counselors is a spider. Stretch out your hand and picture it as a spider web, each fingertip connects to a different person in their life. The Narcissist Spider sits in the middle of its web and runs down one finger of webbing to connect with someone, and they run back to him. Then he takes a twisted version of that information down another finger of webbing to visit another.

The objective is much like a game, how long can each person keep coming back to the spider for more. The fingers on your hand do not connect when held outstretched, instead of going directly to the person they supposedly had a problem with they go back to their source.

The family structure is targeted…

The harm wrought from Narcissistic triangulation becomes especially scathing when seen in the Narcissistic family structure. When the children become adults with spouses and families, it becomes especially brutal. To understand the foundation, we must first realize that all members in the family are taught and expected to revere the Narcissist.

The complex nature of this family structure stems from the Narcissist formulating themselves as to be so admired they become idolized. Once allegiance has been captured, triangulation can begin. For example, in a house with three children, they will be pegged as the Scapegoat, the Golden Child, and the Blacksheep. They follow a pattern of behavior.

1. The spouse and each child will be conditioned to be undeniably faithful to the Narcissist, no matter what.
2. They will be taught to start idolizing the Golden Child (to become the next generation’s Narcissist).
3. Their predefined roles in the family will be established and solidified.

Triangulation in Narcissistic abuse…

This process occurs through triangulation. The Blacksheep and Scapegoat are raised with the engrained notion that they only wish they could be as good as the Golden Child. This is accomplished in many different ways using triangulation.

“She’s the good daughter.” “She would never do that.” “She is so smart.” “You should try to be more like her.” “How could you do that? She knows better.” “Look at her, she did such an amazing job.” “Seriously, let’s all celebrate her accomplishments.”

In and of themselves, some of these aren’t bad and seem like compliments, but when there is a continual undertone expressed of failure and disappointment, the end result of jealousy naturally subsides; especially when developing children’s minds are involved. They want to be the Golden Child, the one that the dear Narc “truly loves”. They are taught they are not good enough and will never measure up to the Golden Child. This is quintessential narcissistic abuse.

For the Scapegoat, it’s especially heart-wrenching.

“If he had done a better job at being a better brother, this would have never happened.” “It’s his fault, really.” “He asked for it.” “He really doesn’t have the natural talent that Golden Child does.” “He isn’t that smart, it would be a waste of money to go to college.” “How dare you question me, this is your fault. Your choice.” “You don’t have much to offer, so make the most of what you do have when someone actually wants to start dating you.”

The Blacksheep is a sad, sad fate.

“We don’t expect much from him.” “He’ll probably never graduate.” “That’s ok you quit your job after one day.” “You can let Golden Child take care of you.” “Golden Child is the good daughter.” “It’s fine, it’s just his way of expressing himself.” “He didn’t mean to do that, he really doesn’t know any better. Plus, Scapegoat didn’t do what I originally asked.” “Golden Child wouldn’t do that, but that’s ok.”

Lest you think the spouse is forgotten, they are entirely under the Narcissistic triangulation tactic as a form of narcissistic abuse, but usually in a different way. It is usually involving jealousy in outside relationships (whether in the past or not); a way to draw the spouse back into line under their ‘power’ so as to once again keep them as their chief enabler. One woman I know would brag about how successful a local guy she dated had become, and would follow up those statements with how her husband had business failures all throughout his career.

The same woman would also brag about how a man she knew and was successful by worldly standards had always pined for her, but she never encouraged him… except that she would still go to have dinner with him without her husband. Sometimes even taking her children along and watching him demean them all. Don’t think that the dinner information was not brought back to her spouse, or that her kids with him were the reason they were insulted. Again, all prime examples of narcissistic abuse used in conjunction with triangulation.

The world lived in is a created world, a faux sense of reality if you will. These roles carry into adulthood all too often and are repeated in the next generation. In one family I know of, after the Golden Child stepped away from the chaos, the Blacksheep actually sneered at him and “bragged” that he was now the Golden Child; as though that was a position to be desired.

A Biblical viewpoint on narcissistic abuse…

The emotional world you live in when you’re in relationship with a Narcissist is a cold, dark, and lonely place to survive in.

If you are dealing with Narcissistic abuse in your life, I encourage you to prayerfully consider your next steps, establish appropriate boundaries to protect you/your marriage/your family, seek counsel from trusted Christian professionals, and cautiously move forward. Be aware of the tactics of Narcissistic abuse through triangulation as they will increase with any steps to heal yourself. It may get to a point of a necessary ending, but it also may not.

A word of caution is to not ascribe a limit to God’s power and who can truly repent and change.

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