The Ugly Truth about the Narcissist Family Structure – Spotlight on all 3: Scapegoat, Golden Child, and Blacksheep

Striking similarities abound in a narcissist family structure; so much so that by studying any narcissistic family, you will see the same situations and scenarios play out across the board.

The Narcissist family…

We have looked before at how Satan attempts to mimic God: God is a God of order, but Satan is orderly and has clever “logic”. This order trails down to the narcissist family structure.

The reasoning for this is because a narcissist has needs in order to continue in the same pattern of behavior and to maintain their facade. Different types of feeding has to occur to whet their appetite of self-promotion. Each child’s role is designed to fully incorporate and cover those needs to boost them up in a different way.

The Scapegoat…

The Israelites offered up two goats at Yom Kippur, one to be a sacrifice and the other to carry the sins of the people away. The High Priest would confess intentional sins, place them on the scapegoat, who would then symbolically “take them away”.

In a Narcissist’s mind, they do no wrong, they don’t sin, and any form of admittance to it is simply part of manipulation. (Unless of course, repentance through their actions is showing that change is occurring–highly unlikely, but plausible nonetheless). They actually can’t fathom it or their entire built up and imagined self will begin to crumble.

The Narcissist’s scapegoat exists to carry off the wrongdoings of the Narcissist, to carry the shame and burden of the Narcissist’s sins within the narcissist family. Essentially, if a Narcissist feels like something may be their fault or is triggered into feeling guilt or shame, they project that onto their Scapegoat for the Scapegoat to deal with so the Narcissist can wash their hands of the matter and move on emotionally. It is an escape in the Narcissist’s mind that they are now innocent because they have passed it on to someone else to deal with.

In other words, they are to blame for all the problems within the narcissist family.

The triangulation among the family members coerces them to buy into this line of reasoning and to act in accord against this sibling.

To give you a picture in real life what this looks like. A prior scapegoat shared that her brother had multiple affairs, his wife gave him another chance, and similar actions occurred again. Yet, her mother blamed her, this grown man’s sister, for the divorce and his actions because “she wasn’t there for him growing up like she should have been”. That is just one example of what this woman had to emotionally deal with all throughout her child. She constantly and continually heard that everything that went wrong was her fault.

This satisfies the need of the Narcissist that they can do no wrong. Their ego is fed by telling the Scapegoat how “horrible” they are so the Narcissist doesn’t have to deal with their own transgressions.

It is emotional abuse.

The Golden Child…

Who hasn’t made heard jokes about a Golden Child? Or even made cracks to our siblings about who the favorite is? In the Narcissist Family Structure, it is no laughing matter. It is a very serious title and is tensely upheld with great honor by all in the family.

What isn't fully realized from the outside, is that this pedestal is made with bricks of insults and cemented in place by abuse. Click To Tweet

You see, the Golden Child has been elevated above the others for a reason. The Narcissist needs to have a child they can be proud of who is accomplished, one they can show off, and one they can brag about as essentially an extension of themselves. They, themselves, are so great, so now look at their child who is also so great. Don’t forget, the Narcissist is aging as well, so their youthful perfections and abilities can now be projected onto the Golden Child as they are beginning to lack what they used to have. What isn’t fully realized from the outside, is that this pedestal is made with bricks of insults and cemented in place by abuse.

This plays out within the narcissist family that the siblings are informed directly and indirectly that the Golden Child is amazing, they are pitted against the Golden Child and encouraged to be jealous and envious of them, they are told that they do not measure up, they are continuously insulted and put in their place while the Golden Child is uplifted, they are blamed for the Golden Child’s mistakes (see Scapegoat, above), etc. The triangulation within a Narcissist family structure is detrimental emotionally to all involved.

In other words, they are the saving grace for the narcissist family.

NOT ONLY are the siblings taking emotional abuse, the Golden Child is suffering immensely as well. They have been built up on this altar of perfection and are terrified of letting down the parent who loves them so much and has said as much that they ought never falter or fall. (If they do, in time, the Narcissist can spin the web of deceit to blame a sibling or manipulate the truth. They try very hard though to instill from the beginning that failure is not an option.)

As mentioned above, the Golden Child has now taken on all the projected qualities of the Narcissist themself, with:

• an uplifted ego,
• the expectation that others are immensely jealous of them,
• a spouse, possibly, with an ego about how great they are,
• thinking they can do no wrong,
• that others are to blame for their mistakes, sins, etc.

In other words, the next generation of Narcissist has now been successfully created and released.

This satisfies the need of the Narcissist to demonstrate perfection and to be able to brag about accomplishments; it heightens their sense of self to show off their child as perfect. They see this child as their own perfection.

It is emotional abuse.

The Blacksheep…

The blacksheep of the narcissist family is the child that everything wrong happens to. They continuously are defined by:

• things going wrong for them (fabricated or not),
• them being the bad ones,
• usually something being wrong with them;
• or something has been projected enough times to them that they start to believe and act that way,
• they are the problem child,
• their life doesn’t go as planned because of mistakes and errors in judgment,
• etc.

In other words, they cause all the problems in the family.

Webster’s dictionary defines a black sheep as:

“a person who causes shame or embarrassment because of a deviation from the accepted standards of his or her group”.

The very person who created this identity crisis also fulfills the satisfaction that the Blacksheep needs in order to go back out into the world continuing the same patterns. Click To Tweet

The key about this role in the narcissist family is that this sibling will constantly and continuously come back to the Narcissist because they feel they need their approval (see the Cycle of Abuse). The very person who created this identity crisis also fulfills the satisfaction that the Blacksheep needs in order to go back out into the world continuing the same patterns. The Narcissist doesn’t want this person to heal; they enable their behaviors in order for the Blacksheep to keep needing them.

The triangulation of the family results in viewing this child as less than with an undercurrent of disdain.

The Narcissist needs this role in a child as it is an effective means for the Narcissist to never be the cause of bad things and to always have someone want them.

It is emotional abuse.

But wait, there’s more!

Within the narcissist family structure, there is typically a spouse as well. I will discuss the spouse’s role in the family at another time. Just know that the enabler is just as dangerous to a child’s psyche and is just as much to blame for the emotional abuse that entails. The enabler plays a key part in cementing these roles within the family.

In all of these, the Narcissist is squelching their feelings and projecting them onto others. The scapegoat feeds their desire to see themselves as anything less than perfect. The Golden Child feeds their desire to see themselves as perfect. The Blacksheep feeds their need for love by always coming back and needing them. It’s the trifecta of a dysfunctional family.

Some things to keep in mind:

• if there are less children than 3 in a Narcissistic home, typically one type will not occur or one person will hold multiple roles depending on the whims of the Narcissist. The Scapegoat and Blacksheep usually will be the same person,
• if there are more than 3 children, you will find that one of these roles will duplicate.
• if a child dies or cuts off a family member, the roles are typically reevaluated and switched so as always to keep the Narcissist stable in their 3 “needs”.

Define yourself by who God says you are…

What is important to realize, these are all created roles the Narcissist assigns and develops. They are fabricated. You are not who someone else defines you, your worth is determined by God. But the interwoven fabric of your childhood may very well need to be untangled with professional help in order to break free of the cycle of abuse you occurred through childhood in a narcissist family. If that is the case, please seek a Godly, Christian counselor who has been fully trained and is extremely knowledgeable about Narcissists.

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