Scapegoat Definition: The Narcissist Family In Depth

Have you ever heard the term “love-hate relationship”? Nothing could define the relationship between a Narcissist and Scapegoat better, let’s learn about the family scapegoat signs. As much as the Narcissist loves that they have a victim to project their sins onto, they hate the threat a Scapegoat poses to their ego.

Previously, we have already studied the basic role the Scapegoat is assigned within the Narcissistic Family Structure:

“The Narcissist’s scapegoat exists to carry off the wrongdoings of the Narcissist, to carry the shame and burden of the Narcissist’s sins. Essentially, if a Narcissist feels like something may be their fault or is triggered into feeling guilt or shame, they project that onto their Scapegoat for the Scapegoat to deal with so the Narcissist can wash their hands of the matter and move on emotionally. It is an escape in the Narcissist’s mind that they are now innocent because they have passed it on to someone else to deal with.

In other words, [the Scapegoat is] to blame for all the problems in the family.”

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Family Scapegoat Definition…

The depth of this reality is truly traumatic. The scapegoat definition points to a denigration of the Scapegoat as a person, to keep them submissive. It is common when dealing with two opposing parties to find a commonality to bond them together. Within the Narcissist family structure, the members are all pitted against each other as though enemies, but are taught to come together on their agreement that the Scapegoat is to blame for everything. Siblings will try to never be the blamed guy and will out the Scapegoat if at all possible in order to escape the wrath (covert or aggressive) of the Narcissist.

Imagine, if you will, that you have been told all your life that:

• accidents are your fault (“your sister fell off the slide because you were on the swing”),
• your siblings’ deliberate sins are because you didn’t do something correctly in childhood,
• no one likes you because of your “problems”,
• you need to show more skin to attract people as your personality won’t cut it (“Go put on your shorter skirt”, “Show a bit more cleavage”),
• wait, you now need to cover up in pictures so you aren’t as beautiful/provocative/eye-catching as the Narcissist,
• please just act better, like Golden Child does,
• you’re lying again,
• etc.

Purposeful encounters…

These are usually conveyed under the cover of one-to-one conversations. This is purposeful so the Scapegoat, if they relay this information to another, can easily be told they:

• remembered it wrong,
• heard it wrong,
• should be grateful for how nice the Narcissist is and that it was for their benefit that the Narcissist didn’t thoroughly embarrass them publicly for their faux pas,
• are crazy,
• are lying… again,
• have overreacted again, or
• are just trying to hurt the Narcissist with such abject exaggerations.

By no means is this an exhaustive list. Of course, these are only some of the typical family scapegoat signs to be aware of.

The Scapegoat is the most stable…

In contrast to popular belief, the scapegoat definition conveys what is unrealized by most: that the Scapegoat is the most grounded, aware of their feelings, truthful, emotionally healthy person in a Narcissistic family. They are the most ready to fight for justice.

To put it bluntly, they are a direct threat to the Narcissist.

For this reason, it is no coincidence that this person is belittled and tormented into submission. It is the only way a Narcissist can maintain control over a confident personality. In essence, a Narcissist will continually try to crush the strength out of a Scapegoat.

What is also unrealized is that a Scapegoat’s emotional stability usually equips them to be the strongest and first to set boundaries against a Narcissist. The Scapegoat is typically the first to walk away from a toxic family. As they get older, they will start questioning.

“Am I really that bad?”

“Can I really have caused all of these problems?”

“Was that really all MY fault?”

The smear campaign begins…

Moreover, it is that very inner dialogue that ultimately saves them from continual abuse. Also, it bolsters the courage needed to withstand a smear campaign for daring to step away. However, the Scapegoats’ reputation is now a focus for the Narcissist. It is now an immediate threat to the Narcissist that someone confronted them.

If a Narcissist cannot sway a Scapegoat to enter back into a toxic relationship, they will then decide to “protect” their own image by destroying the one person who dared stand up against them. Friends and families (and acquaintances and hair dressers, etc.) are told fabricated tales about how this person is crazy, messed up, sees a counselor, has problems, is overreacting, isn’t forgiving, is unloving, etc. In fact, this is all in an attempt to draw others in devotedly to view the Narcissist as the victim.

The Narcissist knows most people will only ever hear one side, emotionally attach to it, and never truly seek the truth; this is a key aspect in understanding the scapegoat definition. For this reason, it is also why a smear campaign begins and is shared with as many people as possible, to get in front of the truth by sharing their side.

I know of one such Narcissist who would sit in a coffee shop and pounce on anyone he knew that would walk through that door, share how he had been through so much, how horrible his marriage really was, that he was the real victim, that his family members actually cut him off (even though he had screamed at them, cussed at them, insulted them, blamed them, yelled some more at them, cussed at their spouses, shared that he wanted their marriages to end, etc.).

Seek God and study the Bible…

The Bible will not encourage you to be the punching bag for an abuser. As Christians, we are encouraged to seek God first. I would highly suggest you start with the Psalms. They will teach you how to pray to God and that it really is okay to bring your burdens about other people to God. The Psalms will show you how David, among others, asked Him to exact vengeance for him. In turn and in time, this will help you release any stronghold you have against someone and forgive them.

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