Worldly Sorrow or True Repentance – There is a difference and it is clear

“I said I was sorry”, he sullenly said to her after she had to endure yet another ‘sorry’ not even hours ago. Counting the ‘sorries’ in the last while was getting to be too cumbersome. She realized they were way worse off now than they were after his initial confession. The lowest point she thought she’d ever experienced now felt like a daily game he was playing with her emotions. His worldly sorrow was not enough….

The wife in this story is dealing with a man who is not sorry but claims he is, in other words he has worldly sorrow. There is a mystifying notion adrift in a majority of Christian communities and churches that an apology consisting only of ‘sorry’ automatically ensures they ought to be forgiven entirely and brought back into full relationship with the person intended.

I am so sorry. I love you and I sinned against God and you. I know what I did was wrong and I will try to never do it again! I understand if you’re mad at me and that’s okay with me, please let me know what I can do.

There is a tale of two men, both married, both have kids, and both sinned against God and their wives with taking lust to the next level; we’ll call them Mike and Ike. {These are based on real people with names and some details changed.}

Mike

After being struck with guilt, Mike confessed his sins to his wife. He witnessed how distraught she was and how serious this was as their marriage may be over, he sought the Lord, apologized to Him and her, took care of the household duties while his wife grieved the relationship she thought they had, and he accepted full responsibility for the choices he made without bitterness in his heart.

Even though a divorce now was a possibility, he was understanding of her anger against him, he sought to make life easier for her by easing her household burdens, he continued to work hard at his job, he listened when she needed to vent or cry out against him, he sat next to her as she wept, he prayed for her, he offered to go to counseling, he sought out advice and help from other Christian men, he offered to be home so she could leave to be alone and away from him.

Ike

Ike was caught red-handed with a phone that turned out to be a breeding ground for lust to root in his heart to the point that he literally entered into relations outside of his marriage bed. He apologized to his wife and agreed to her request to accompany her to marriage counseling, he said sorry multiple times. He was sad and discouraged. Ike went to counseling but would belittle his counselor’s name to those around him, as well as spread little tidbits of how his wife wasn’t perfect either and list out her sins. She heard words that started to comfort her. He did exactly what was asked of him, he didn’t want a divorce. Their marriage did not end in divorce… yet.

Then Ike was caught a second time. He said sorry again multiple times, offered to go to counseling, and said she needed to accept some responsibility for him getting ‘action’ elsewhere. He was shocked when she told him she was getting a divorce.

The stories are similar but there are subtle differences to take note of. Mike’s actions and choices following his betrayal showed his wife true repentance was in his heart. He not only recognized his sin was first against God, but he also recognized that he sinned against his wife and violated their vows. He knew there would be consequences to those choices and he was ready to accept them, even if it meant divorce. His actions were that of someone who knew that saying sorry was not enough.

Ike’s actions and choices from the outside might seem genuine, but if you look closely, you’ll be able to see hints of his heart condition at the time. He was experiencing worldly sorrow. Ike did only what she asked of him, nothing more. He maligned his then-wife to others who would listen to try to shift the blame of his actions to her, he garnered other gossipers to share that as well so he wouldn’t be seen in as negative of a light. He sinned again against God and her in the same way and then was surprised when she said it was over. A great manipulator of words, he knew what to say to her–until she had finally heard enough. Words turn meaningless when actions speak otherwise.

Now, I’m not saying this is how it plays out for all who are caught and all who confess–but these two scenarios, in general, reveal a WHOLE lot about their hearts. The heart revealed in Mike showed he was ready to accept responsibility by coming forward and facing his problems head on no matter the consequences; Ike’s heart still needed refining to get to that point as he was too busy figuring out how to salvage his reputation.

For the wives…

I also want to point out the difference for those on the receiving end. To hear someone confess something like that would be soul-crushing–but a confession also holds an underlying sense of repentance that softens the blow. Catching someone who cheated is an utterly heart-wrenching, punch you in the stomach, and kick you while you’re down type of feeling. Repentance may follow, but initially it lacks the intent to repent, lacks the intent to live a life right with God, and lacks the intent to right the wrongs committed against their marriage vows. There is a major difference for a wife to hear a confession versus finding out that cheating has occurred.

At the time, Ike’s heart was revealed and he did not seek true repentance; his sorrow and pain were merely worldly in that he had worldly consequences to bear because he chose to commit worldly sins.

Worldly sorrow demonstrates itself to be a pain showcased by those who sin as sorrow for the consequences they walk through because of their choices and it will usually always include blame-shifting. Repentance demonstrates itself to be a full acceptance of Godly and worldly consequences by those who sin that they are more than willing to accept to make themselves right with God and those they sinned against.

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