The Letter One Wife Wrote to Her Husband Should be Read By All Men–Pornography has a ripple effect on loved ones.

He confessed to pornography…

You asked me to go for a swim in the warm waters. Eagerly I jumped in after you only to realize that something was wrong. I can’t believe you confessed to pornography. Time passes and we find ourselves out too deep. I cannot even see land now. In the distance, shark fins start swirling, terrifying me. We are out too deep.

We have come to the point of no return–you just confessed your sins to me.

The Anonymous Wife

Unfortunately this story is all too common right now among Christian and non-Christian marriages. The anonymous wife in this story shared that she is ready for her story to be told in hopes that it might help other women after they find out their husband has cheated on his marriage vows by viewing pornography (or worse). She penned this letter to him within a week of his confession as she didn’t know how else to process this devastating news–she watched him become victorious in Christ through his confession while she was internally destroyed.

While this is geared toward a woman trying to deal with lies from her husband and I aim to help navigate the waters for those on the receiving end–but if you are a woman caught up in the sin of pornography, switch around the pronouns as you ought not to think God will overlook this in your own life because of your gender.

Her letter continues…

I’m drowning now in a sea of chaos. My arms are flailing and you float there watching me writhe in panic; your calm, satisfied demeanor is like a tidal wave washing over my now fledgling life. I can’t breathe. Is it the ocean lapping over my eyes or the streams of tears, I don’t even know anymore because I can’t see. I don’t know what to do. You just keep watching me, silent, while you let me process the death of our marriage vows.

I look at you and see you. You’ve been rescued, and the men are cheering you on: you are a success story, you beat the odds, you broke free. You head toward them for your own support and glance over your shoulder to see I’m still sinking. Never have I felt the quicksand pull of the waters around me–as though it wills me to succumb. The sharks are closer now.

I see you on the yacht now with your new friends, they are patting you on the back and offering you water as they wipe the sweat from your brow, encouraging you to keep meeting new friends who overcame just like you. You were courageous to confess.

You yell out to me, but I just hear more lies spewing from lips that have become masterful at hiding these deep, dark secrets from me. I’m alone. I’m terrified. I have nowhere and no one to turn to. You are drifting farther and farther away from me now. The sharks have arrived and I am forced to fight them off alone. My mate is gone, reveling in his newfound freedom while all my strength is spent trying to survive.

You yell again to reach out to me, but the sharks attack again. Your words are fueling their fire–adding coals to the ashes of our marriage.

A ray of hope appears: a life raft. I climb onto it and am out of the water but I’m still dejected and lonely. My raft is unstable at best, it threatens to tip me over back into the sea of chaos–it, being as fragile as I. I think of us, and a hole appears in the raft. I think of the lies, and with each one a new hole appears in the raft. The deception, more holes. My value to you, more holes. The lack of true love, more holes. My life raft is failing me and I’m alone trying to quickly scoop out water so I don’t succumb to the threats around me.

My hope for our marriage lessens as more holes appear. I’m all alone in my marriage on a sinking raft.

The Anonymous Wife

Many women are traveling similar journeys and receiving unhelpful and {in some cases} unBiblical advice…

Sadly, I have met with many women who have traversed similar journeys: some their husbands confessed, others were caught (side note: that one step can vastly differentiate whether or not a marriage can be transformed from near extinction into a God-honoring marriage). The trials this woman wrought were because of the lack of community offered to her from a truly Biblical perspective. Women alike have shared with me that they were sent similar messages like The Anonymous Wife, messages that:

• she needed to do more for her husband in the bedroom (REAL MESSAGE: her fault he cheated);
• when this happens again she’ll be prepared for it (REAL MESSAGE: offering men the option to sin repeatedly by rejecting the complete freedom the Bible offers)
• her husband needn’t confess again next time to her, just to God (this message came from one of her local pastors who she immediately lost all respect for–how dare a Pastor of all people justify this horrible destruction of the marital bed and covenant of marriage);
• she needed to try harder to look like his ideal woman (REAL MESSAGE: her fault he cheated);
• etc.

To the men who have viewed pornography…

So if you are a husband reading this and have viewed pornography–whether a little or a lot, you absolutely NEED to recognize the sin it is and confess it to God as you sinned against Him first and foremost, but then also to your spouse as you alone broke your marital vows in this way. I can GUARANTEE that confessing may be the hardest thing you ever do–if you are genuine in your repentance to God:

• you will recognize the gravity of the sins you chose to commit against a holy and perfect God,
• will recognize that to live a truly holy life is to live a life without any degradation of women allowed (this includes your wife as well as lusting after any woman),
• it will also spark the beginning of great freedom as you feel the weight of the world leave your shoulders, and
• the confession to God will also lead to the challenge of confessing to your wife.

Take note, every step of confession there has to happen or you will not experience true freedom from this–if you don’t confess to your wife, you will just be continuing the lies with a facade of marital bliss making it worse and worse the longer she is kept in the dark about it.

After much research, the common thing I see are many unbiblical guidelines or programs to work through for purchase that twist and negate the fact that the Bible calls us to live HOLY lives–this includes (as seen above):

• subtly turning a woman’s focus about this issue onto herself as the problem that led to his choice to sin,
• a woman being guilted into staying in a marriage when it honestly may not be best, or
• that a guy just needs “an accountability partner”.

More insight on this topic is under way {for free}… so don’t miss out!

Please sign up for our email list now and check back often as there will be a series of (free) posts, interviews, and more regarding the biggest issues that Christian marriages and our churches are facing today; they will include how a man should communicate with his wife after a confession, a true synopsis of the story of two different men: the difference for the one who confessed versus the one who was found out and how that played out in their marriages, how a church can aide a spouse reeling in despair, how a church can truly assist men to live holy lives, why you should never desire to be a ‘trophy wife’ or think it a compliment if your husband calls you that, and much more!

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Unfortunately, these issues hit close to home for many couples and it’s time to shed true Biblical light on this problem instead of whitewashing over it, hiding it behind incognito browsers, and rugsweeping just how paramount this issue really is.

Men, I implore you to consider that the hardest thing you may ever have to do may very well effect the best consequences you endure to make you right with the Lord. If you have not yet confessed to pornography and need to, give heed to your conscience.

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