I had Failed as a Herald for My Faith; Here is My Testimony {And LINKUP party}

A couple weeks ago we addressed if your enneagram or personality test could be stifling your walk with Christ.

There are many, many ways in which we can all default to our “personality” as an excuse to either do or not do what the Bible clearly lays out as defining measures of our faith.

Anchored Abode

I was never much one to share my testimony, it almost seemed like an affront to my reserved, reformed background… I erroneously associated those who shared as more charismatic believers. It wasn’t til I wrote it out that I saw God in it, in the details and the inner workings of truly why we had gone through SO many trials in a couple year time-span.

“If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn’t let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn’t mine”

Big Daddy Weave

I hope you see Him in my testimony, that God has weaved throughout it while changing me entirely, and that it is being shared solely for His glory. Please also join me and comment a link to your own testimony or share it directly in the comments.

{If you prefer to listen, I read my testimony on this podcast episode.}

My Testimony

I was raised in a Bible believing home that was also quite strict.  Being the daughter of a lawyer, I was raised with laws and logic; this carried through to our family’s beliefs.  My parents raised me with the intent for me to know the Lord.

Looking back on my journey, I would say I definitely knew who God was, I knew who He wasn’t, I knew His laws, I knew the Bible, I knew theology, I knew God was omnipotent/omnipresent/omniscient, I knew to study the Bible, I knew to live morally, I knew to pray… I knew.

But that was what I failed to recognize… knowledge can be power, but it can also carry a false sense of assurance.

I had missed the heart and didn’t even know it.  Five years ago, there was a horrible situation we were in and it was one of those times I truly needed to lean on God.  Thankfully, I had enough knowledge built up to know that I needed Him, and Him alone.  A veil had been removed when I then realized that I am a wretched sinner and the only one who is perfect and can truly be reliable is God; up until then I had lived most of my life thinking that although I knew there’s no such thing as being a “good-enough person” that it would lead me to Heaven, I still believed I was good enough because I based my life on the Bible.  After that veil was gone, I broke down (one of many occasions) praying and asking God to teach me to draw near to Him.  I desired something I had no idea how to attain.  I wasn’t sure how to move past where I was at in my walk (because I thought I had it all together), so I prayed for God to guide me.

I was not aware of the weight of my request and what it would entail to bring me into right relationship with Him.  It was during this time that another veil was lifted.  A façade was being stripped away and I saw things clearly after wondering for years what was wrong within certain relationships we were a part of.  We were forced to take stands against some who were close to us and cut off contact with some who had been a regular part of our lives.  This was a bitter time.

The advice I received during that time was invaluable, it was that “I needed to find my worth in Christ.” Although it confused me at the time, I clung to it for reasons that have now been made clear to me.  I needed to hear that.  I can’t change anyone, I can only change myself.  The knowledge I thought I had was, in essence, a joke.  Sure, it had been the undercurrent of my journey, but it was never more than that.

No different than anyone else, the pride in my life was my downfall, but I came to realize I carried pride deep down in all areas of life.  Just because I didn’t share it with others didn’t mean it wasn’t a part of my disposition.  It was hindering a right relationship with Him and I allowed it to continue to grow.

For one of the women’s studies at our Church, I signed up for the parenting class under the prideful assumption that I knew what I was doing.  My oldest two were well-behaved and they listened to me.  I entered the class thinking I would have all sorts of advice to give as I had a lot of strategies I had studied and learned about.  The first week broke me down hard; it talked about how we can have “good kids” who obey, but where does that get us if we aren’t reaching their hearts?  I read that chapter at home and another veil was lifted off as I wept, realizing I had missed my kids’ hearts just as I had missed my own.  I knew what I thought I needed to know, but I didn’t have any sort of real relationship.  I began to think over my life and realized I was no different than the Pharisees; they knew the law and they wanted to follow it to a T, but they didn’t understand they were not in relationship with Him. They heard the law and sat as Judas did among the greatest teacher of all time, but their hearts were not changed.

God was not done refining and opening my eyes though, there was still an entire area untouched where my pride continued to hide.  It was in the love of money.  I loved how frugal I was with it and it controlled me and my decisions surrounding it.  My generosity was hindered because it would mean losing money.

And through a series of very unfortunate events, God threatened to and did take away all of that security; He obviously saw my stubborn nature and how I clung to it still instead of Him.  You would think by now I would realize how much my pride was a stronghold in so many areas of my life and that it was my downfall; I didn’t fully see it; but I did continue to cling to God and ask Him to keep refining me through this all.  Again, I didn’t fully grasp what that request would require of me.

It was a very slow and drawn out process getting us to this point of the next veil being taken away from my eyes.  God was gracious in that it was one thing after another and not all at once, He was very gentle as He continued to answer my prayers and continuously break down my barriers.

I am very grateful that He granted my request for wisdom; it became part of my morning prayer and part of how He granted it was opening my eyes throughout these last three years to see His hand through all the trials.  There were so many times that I prayed begging God for help, or wisdom, or finances and He opened my eyes to see and recognize His help, His guidance, His answers to prayer, His help when He wouldn’t straight out answer them the way I had requested.  He was with me and I knew it. I knew He was still good even though my earthly self definitely preferred different results.  His goal was for my soul’s good and I knew that what He was taking us through was for a purpose that had everlasting results and was worth it.  On earth, we have been blessed with so much; our needs being met are all we can ask for.  We have not been without shelter, clothing, or food; in this life on earth, I want my expectations to align with Scripture, so I know that no matter our journey, our lives may be wrought with trials until the last day, but God will always provide for our needs.

I started to understand the Bible in a whole new light as well, a light that was seeing it more as God intended me to see it. I learned how to pray for those who oppose you from Psalms.  I learned that it is okay to request protection from people or diseases if you are living rightly with Him. I learned there are three types of people in this world: True Christians, Worldly “Christians”, and Unbelievers.

There were three Bible verses that I had never known or understood before God unveiled them.  I learned about God’s sovereignty from Galatians 6:7, “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.”  That verse nearly floored me when I read it because it matched my old life; I was attempting to mock God, to trick Him into thinking I was one of His by living a moral life with a cold heart—He cannot be mocked, there is nothing you can do or say that will get you into Heaven if your heart is not truly aligned with His.

Another area the Lord revealed to me is found in Revelation 3 where it references the hot (True Christians), the cold (Unbelievers), and the lukewarm (Worldly “Christians”) in the church of Laodicea:

“I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot.  Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth. For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.”

I was a lukewarm, worldly “Christian” keeping the pew warm.  Church was not an exciting thing for me; devotions had been occurring on a semi-regular basis; my prayer life was near non-existent. I had missed the heart issues, I never let the Bible seep past my brain and into my soul, I was lukewarm.  I do believe that had these life circumstances not occurred that I would not be where I am today fully able to claim with a full assurance of my salvation that I am one of His.  I thank Him for the trials He brought us through because I get it, I finally get it.  The Lord brought us through so much because He had to break me that much for me to see.  He had to purify a home where His Holy Spirit could dwell and teach a now teachable heart.

The other realization I had was just how narrow the road to Heaven really is.  In my prior life, I thought I was there, that I was one of His but I was only deceiving myself.  The way is narrow.  I say it a lot to those around me because I never realized before just how narrow it is.  I never knew who He truly was and I was headed toward an unknown danger of hearing Him say on the final day “I never knew you; depart from me, you worker of lawlessness.”

God has granted me the peace of His assurance.  I never knew that I could rest in that because I never had it.  I had questioned my faith and my relationship with Him, rightly so.  I know my journey is my own and if I was asked to do my life over again a different way I would say no as I would not want to chance that I may not know Him.  He has touched my heart and changed me from the inside out.  I fully believe He is refining me and preparing me for eternity in Heaven with Him; and I am so humbled and grateful that He chose me as one of His.

Soli Deo Gloria. For His glory alone.

If you haven’t already, please let this be the encouragement you need to share your testimony, someone may need to hear it and could resonate with your trials and lessons learned to point them to Christ. I’d love it if you would share it with me as well!

~Becca

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Welcome to the inaugural Anchored Truth Tuesday linkups! I would love for you to join me in sharing family friendly posts. A couple of things to take note of:

~ I do ask that you use the Anchored Truth Tuesdays logo above on your site somewhere or on the post itself; if you click on the picture a new window will open with html instructions

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