In our marriage, one of the things it took us over a decade to figure out was what it meant to leave and cleave. Sure, we thought we had separated until we realized that something was wrong and we had a pseudo-unity.
You need to separate from your parents, family, church family, friends, etc. Not separate-separate, but establish your unity apart from outside influences.
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
Take note the placement of this verse comes one verse after Eve receives her name; they were the first two people on earth and didn’t even have parents yet but the Bible specifically references parents in this for a reason. Until the point where you get married, parents (birth, adoptive, or foster) have likely had the greatest influence on your life, whether good or bad.
The Matthew Henry Commentary says it well, “To whom can we be more firmly bound than the fathers that begat us and the mothers that bore us? Yet the son must quit them, to be joined to his wife, and the daughter forget them, to cleave to her husband. … See how dear the affection ought to be between husband and wife, such as there is to our own bodies. These two are one flesh; let them then be one soul” and “See here the power of a divine institution, that the result of it is a union stronger than that which results from the highest obligations of nature.”
Moving forward, the person with the greatest stock in your life is now going to be your spouse, and it doesn’t just happen even though it ought to be practiced completely; it is a learned unity through baby steps to get to that point. Unity can be like a wave in the ocean, sometimes you’re riding high above and surfing it together, and other times your spouse is looking down as you’re drowning under a wave while you’re traveling through a season of disunity.
Always work toward unity as a couple, and if you find you are out of sync work that much harder to move to a position of unity. The process to leave and cleave, though, that takes two willing partners.
Here are some of the easiest ways I found from counselors, pastors, authors, etc. to realistically strengthen your bond.
Leave and Cleave Boundaries for Marriage
1. It means you don’t invite others into your disagreements and fights.
2. It means you give credence first to your spouse in a situation and default to them.
3. It means you defend your spouse if someone is defaming them or insulting them.
4. It means you trust your spouse to be telling the truth.
5. It means you as a wife, you ought to turn first to your husband and not your Dad–give your husband the sign of respect that you turn to him first even though you both may agree to default to your Dad next.
6. It means you as a husband, you seek comfort and accolades (and sharing good news) first with your wife, then with others, but that first need and desire should be directed at her first and not an outsider to your marriage.
7. It means you don’t allow someone to share insults or digs with you; it is not okay if she can hear them or read them, but neither is it okay while your spouse can’t hear (this includes written slams through an email/text/etc. that she is not a part of).
8. It means you turn to your spouse first for advice, guidance, thoughts, prayer, etc.
9. It means you take note if your spouse is uncomfortable in a position they’re facing and you aide them in a way that you can.
10. It means you encourage their prayer life, Bible study, church life.
11. It means you be their biggest supporter to those around you.
12. It means you refrain from opening up on a spiritual or emotional level to a member of the opposite sex and NEVER about your spouse.
13. It means you do not magically become mute when the time arises that your spouse needs to be defended.
14. It means when you’re in your intimate moments with your spouse, be with your spouse only and don’t let others invade that.
15. It means you be the communicator to your family of origin as you understand to a different level what their version of “normal” is; protect your spouse from being forced to take on that role for you because you may not want to.
16. It means if your spouse has a problem or feels uncomfortable around someone who is too friendly with you, be on guard and respect that with boundaries you both agree on.
17. It means you don’t allow a member of the opposite sex to approach you to be their sounding board or listening ear.
18. It means you allow NO ONE to divide you (see all of the above) or insert little wedges between you.
God gifted us marriage. We say our vows to the one we choose for a reason. They’re a choice and a blessing, but also a calling and a promise. If you are without unity in your marriage, then it needs serious counsel and prayer.
But wait?! Please hear me that I am in no way saying that if you are in an abusive relationship or dealing with a personality disordered spouse (Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic, etc.) that the above guideline is recommended for you. That is an entirely different situation and one that needs professional counseling from a Biblical counselor specifically trained in those disorders and how to weed out what is truth and what is not.
Again, the Bible lays it out directly:
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.
Matthew 19:6b
No. One.
In context, this verse is aimed at the Jews who were choosing their own standards whether or not to divorce their wives; they followed the advice they wanted to from others that it was okay. Who you let into your inner circle is a big deal!
For a real life scenario of this verse played out, my husband had someone he was close to encourage him to divorce me without merit (as well as cuss me out and insult me in text messages) solely because he had been through a divorce and wanted a buddy to justify his choices that were the sole cause of his divorce; such a man is not living according to the standards of the Bible and such a man is not one in which we have relationship with anymore because of his choices (this and others). Who you have in your inner circle attempting to influence you or your spouse is a huge deal!
If you’re looking for an extra dash of help and support, or maybe further guidance on how to get on the same page as your spouse, I highly encourage you to get the book Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, as well as their workbook to go through (ideally) with your spouse. This revolutionized my way of thinking about my relationship with God, myself, my marriage, as well as my kids and how we are choosing to raise them. It was foundational in our marital transformation toward unity! They recently released an updated version that deals with social media and the digital age we are now all a part of.
Marriages don’t just abruptly end, there are stages and steps that lead toward divorce; is starts and ends with your heart. If it is aligned with Christ then your aim will be to protect your spouse within the confines of your marriage. Not protecting your marriage is almost as though you’re pushing your spouse a little bit further down into the wave with each breach of your marital boundaries. It is not a game, it is very serious.
The steps you take will either lead you closer, enable you to walk side by side, or lead you apart. I encourage you to sit down and create together a list of what your boundaries are… whether you have been married for 50 years or 5, you still need to protect the gift of marriage.
I’d love if you shared additional boundaries you can think of in the comments!
~Becca
Thanks for these red flags!
My good and patient husband and I are going to hit the 29 year mark next month, but I’m still a learner!
Back again, and seeing the fruit of leaving and cleaving in my sons’ lives!
Those 18 points are so important. We need to be one another’s biggest cheerleaders, helpers, and friends. Satan will do all he can to tear them apart so we need to be all the more diligent to guard and protect our marriages.
This is soo, soooo good. laurensparks.net
Good points. Going on 30+ years ourselves and your points are spot on.
Blessings,
Homer Les
http://www.uncompromisingfaith.ca
I agree with all those things but I’m still not understanding what it means in the context of relationship with your parents. I do understand and agree with everything said as to how not to allow certain things within the marriage to cause separation and create unity as the main focus but I didn’t get a clear Understanding on the continued relationship with parents, does it mean to not be further involved with, “to denounce” parents?? Does it mean to “literally” choose one over the other, I do believe in the cleaving aspect however I believe some to take into the concept of “no more” relationship not just “spouse support”! Can you please give a little more clarity in this regard. 🙏
I am having trouble with this also..case in point my grandson and wife and grandchild have chosen not to spend time with his mother on her birthday in ‘exchange’ for time spent with his wife’s mother who will be visiting for a week. His mother, my daughter in law, has been nothing but kind and non-judgemental toward her son’s wife and is in no way an interfering ‘mother in law. She is deeply hurt.
Great tips and ideas. I have actually had this book in my cart on Amazon for a while. You have just convinced me to go ahead and purchase it. Pinning and sharing!
Becca, I’m enjoying reading your series on boundaries. I’m currently reading Boundaries by Dr’s Cloud & Townsend.