Ever been told you are filled with hate because you won’t enter back into a relationship with someone who has continuously hurt you? Have you witnessed first hand the guilt messages about “true” forgiveness that a toxic, abusive, or manipulative person will display to get you back into their cycle of abuse?
If so, then you know first hand that it can be confusing and heart-breaking–until we look at what the Bible truly says about forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a Biblical reconciliation process and Joseph provides us with one of the most famous examples.
Joseph was a truly talented guy, smart as a whip. He had a very strong business sense on how to command people, he was bold, he ran entire households and empires, made wise business decisions, and attributed EVERYTHING to God.
Joseph answered Pharaoh, ‘It is not in me; God will give Pharaoh a favorable answer.’
Genesis 41:16
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‘…God has revealed to Pharaoh what He is about to do.’
Genesis 41:25b
‘And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.’
Genesis 45:5
‘It is as I told Pharaoh; God has shown to Pharaoh what He is about to do.’
Genesis 41:28
‘And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God. He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt.’
Genesis 45:7-8
He knew his place in life and he knew that God was in full control; even knowing that his own brothers hated him. But more than that, he lived his life that way–that should be our takeaway.
We should all demand of ourselves a staunch commitment to study a Bible verse in context… especially if someone throws one out in an argument. Here, we have just read the context of Joseph’s life and trials to understand he does have the correct mindset. He is living his life and making decisions based off of a viewpoint that God is ultimately sovereign in our lives and everyone’s around us.
The Bible does require forgiveness, although the method of which may not be acceptable to some. Misnomers and misapplications are frequently used by toxic and abusive people. They will oftentimes demand that you: immediately forgive them, have to offer forgiveness to the person who hurt you, must expeditiously enter back into the exact same relationship you once had with that person, never bring up the past (aka hoping you won’t take note of the patterns of behavior), cannot protect yourself by stepping away since ‘forgiveness means reconciliation’, or that you are filled with hate if reconciliation hasn’t happened. These are all gross mischaracterizations meant to manipulate you.
The Bible makes it very clear that forgiveness and reconciliation are different. There is a Biblical reconciliation process and it does start with forgiveness… in your heart.
Here we see that Joseph does not immediately forgive his brothers. He is moved deeply just from seeing them but confirms that they are different than they were before. Cautiously verifying their virtue first over a couple of encounters, he then proceeds to reconciliation. He would not have been inclined to reconcile had he not already forgiven them in his heart.
Reconciliation is not a Biblical requirement. Click To TweetReconciliation, then is typically a byproduct of forgiveness. It is connected, yet entirely different. Reconciliation is not a Biblical requirement. There is a Biblical reconciliation process though.
Here, we see Joseph does reconcile with his brothers.
- He has forgiven them in his heart.
- He sees heart change in them.
- His life is no longer in danger.
- He desires a right relationship with his brothers.
- He moves forward to have a relationship with them.
Although, it’s important to note that the relationships are different, they are not the same as before.
- He does not live with them.
- He does not work with them.
- He does not share a household with them.
- His immediate family lives in their own place.
- His brothers don’t fully accept his forgiveness (Genesis 50:15-21)
The reconciliation process can sometimes take a long time. Here, we see that after Jacob dies, the brothers act out of fear to try to manipulate him. They are fearful of him again and worried that retaliation is sure to come for their egregious acts toward him.
The Biblical reconciliation process is not always smooth, there are ups and downs. We need to take into account that we all have emotions and a different viewpoint. Joseph offers us one of the best examples of level-headed steps leading to reconciliation.
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How different God’s story of redemption would have turned out if Joseph had refused to let go of his “right” to hold a grudge. “God meant it for good” can apply to anything he allows in our lives. Amazing truth!
People sometimes demand methods of forgiveness that we can’t give: I love this insight. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean automatic reconciliation. Thanks for reminding us that the reconciliation process can sometimes take a long time!